Scenes from a Gas Station (and chicken salad recipe for one of my peeps)

Somewhere in South Carolina

Gas Pump:  Welcome to "Gas is Cheaper in South Carolina."  Please insert card and remove quickly.

Me:  [Inserts card and removes quickly.]

Pump:  Is that credit or debit?

Me:  Credit.

Pump:  Please enter zip code.

Me:  [Enters zip code.]

Pump:  "Hmph, what are you doin' comin' all the way down here for cheap gas and you have an American Idol winner livin' down the street from you?"

Me:  "She lives in the swanky neighborhood.  I am more 'swanky-adjacent.'"

Pump:  "Hmmm, sure.  Do you want regular, plus or premium?"

Me:  [Pushes regular button.]

Pump:  "Seriously?  With a car that big?"

Me:  "Yes, gas is expensive anyway and I got a kid in preschool, we just had to get a new roof, our two big dogs are on this expensive senior food for their joints . ."

Pump:  "Whatever lady."  *cough*cheapskate*cough*  "Well, start pumping."

Me:  [Starts pumping.]

Pump:  [Turns off.]  "You mean you came all the way down here to get five gallons of gas?  Talk about a waste. Should have known when I saw that big ol' SUV come rollin' up."

Me:  "As a matter of fact I am on my way to make a donation to one of your local charities and decided to stop on the way so I wasted no gas at all thank you very much.  Why are you so angry?"
Pump:  "Me?  Angry?  Why listen you . . . sorry, I'm just tired what with all you Charlotte people coming down here and all.  And the fumes.  They just get to me."

Me:  "Ok.  No problem."

Pump:  "Do you want a car wash today?"

Me:  [pushes "no" button.]

Pump:  "Are you sure?  Cuz from where I'm standing it looks like your car is about 2 1/2 hours away from your kid writing 'Wash Me' on the back window."

Me:  "Not gonna happen.  He can't write.  Or spell for that matter."

Pump:  "Sheesh, sorry lady."
Me:  "Not a big deal, he's 3."

Pump: "Oh.  Well, do you want a receipt?"

Me:  [pushes "no" button.]

Pump:  "I see.  So now you are trying to save the environment even though you drive that 18-wheeler all over town."

Me:  "No, its just that I end up throwing the receipts away anyway and  . . . why I am explaining myself to you?"

And you know how at the end you usually see a nice "Thank you for shopping at blah-de-blah.  Have a nice day."?  Well, I could have sworn I saw "Get lost.  Oh, and you might want to think about laying off the cupcakes."

Chicken Salad:

1 can chicken or pick apart a rotisserie chicken
start with 1/2 cup may then add more if you like
1 granny smith apple cut up really small (in a mini-chopper if you have one)
1/2 cup pecans chopped or mini-chopper-ed
salt and pepper to taste

Mix it up and shove it in yo mouth.

The chicken salad from the boy's birthday party:

4 cups chicken (I think I used two big cans (heh) or one rotisserie)
call for 3 celery ribs, but I think you know my feelings on celery
1 cup craisins
1/2 cup chopped toasted pecans
1 1/2 cups mayo (maybe start with 1 cup and see how you feel)
1/3 cup honey
salt and pepper to taste

Mix chicken, celery (if you must), craisins and pecans.
In separate bowl, mix mayo, honey, salt and pepper.  Pour mayo mixture over chicken mixture and mixture them.

The T-Bonz Krew

I know this has happened to all of you (at least both of you who read this blog). You are sitting in your house on a lovely yet chilly Saturday afternoon when the doorbell rings. You are not expecting anyone so you assume that it is the guy with three fingers on his left hand who sells expensive yet quality pine straw. However when you open the door you get:

"Hi, we were delivering steaks to your neighbor and have a few left in the truck, would you like to buy some steak for $3.00 each?"

Um... yeah, I don't think I buy steaks from trucks! Not anymore. Really? Who does this? And their truck did not even have a store label on it! (because you can always trust trucks with advertisements, oh, and vans especially those beat up cargo vans with blacked out windows but only if they have an adverstisement on the side) So I am thinking there is some sort of new beef crime syndicate that goes around using this "oh, we have extras, you want cheap steak?" scam to sell people poison steak. Some of the more industrious gang members will have a fake steak company or butcher shop sticker on their ride that they can peel off when they are out with their homies because the ladies will not get up on you if you have porterhouse stickers on your wheels. So not only do they get to poison people, the victims actually pay them to do it!!! Granted, not a lot but still. Anyway, they wait and come back to your street around dinner time (same car, no sticker because that would be suspicious) and smell for steaks being cooked on the grill (or inside where people turn up the heat on their stove too much causing the kitchen to smoke up whereupon they open the door to let the steak-scented smoke out into the troposphere and attract deer). Then they mark those houses with chalk, spy style, and come back later after the people have eaten their poisonous steaks (that they paid for!) and are all passed out or paralyzed or dead, depending on what type of poison they used. Then they break into your house and steal your stuff! Why is this not on the news?