Back from vacation

So I promised my sister and my good friend Heather that I would start blogging again and so I am. I hope this one works because I am trying this from my phone. I guess this is really just a test post and nothing else although I did eat read and sleep today so there's that.

Stuffed monkey puppet? No thank you. Evil Homicidal Monkey? Yes, please!

Yesterday:  One of my favorite blogs is written by The Bloggess.  She has amused me many, many times.  Thanks to her I am now the proud owner of Gina.

Gina is a distant relative of Beyonce and not nearly as big.  Although I am thinking of using her as a teaching tool.  I named her after Gina Gershon because she has dark hair, well, dark metal feathers, and I just saw Gina Gershon on an episode of Psych and realized she needed to be around more often so what better place than my kitchen.  Ms. Gershon might not think it too complementary to have a metal chicken named after her but if she just took a look at all of the love Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken is getting she might change her mind.  If you like Beyonce, please check out her Facebook page.

Not quite as colorful but definitely one to keep you on your toes is Copernicus.  He also has a Facebook page.  Since I am home during the day with the kiddos and they are all sweet and cute until I just think about making a phone call, I keep up with the outside world by leaving my email, Twitter and Facebook open on my computer.  And since they cannot read I do not mind leaving something up with some rated R or TV-MA language.  This afternoon I had Facebook open and one of Copernicus' posts was listed in my news feed.

My 3 year old:  "Yiayia (what the boy calls my mom) you see that monkey?"
Me:  "Oh yeah, sorry about that.  I know you don't like monkeys."
3 year old:  "We need to make the picture of that monkey bigger."
Me:  "Umm.... you probably don't want me to do that."  Whispers, I thought, quietly to my mom "that is Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey."  My mom looked at me and I know her thoughts ran to "this she got from her father."
3 year old:  "I like that monkey."
Me:  "I love you kid."

This is the same child that a few weeks ago refused, REFUSED I say, to go upstairs and pick out his jammies because there was a stuffed monkey in his closet.  Granted his stuffed monkey is more of an orangutan but let's compare, shall we?

Here is the monkey he was afraid of in his closet next to Copernicus on my computer.

And in case you cannot see Copernicus all that well, here is a link:  Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey .

 Today.  So today I actually took the pictures above.  When I brought the stuffed monkey/orangutan downstairs for the photo shoot the boy says:  "Why you bring the scary monkey downstairs?"  To which I replied "Well, to take a picture of him."  Him:  "Where is Coperncus?"  I love my boy.  So that is when we had a photo shoot of the stuffed "scary monkey" and Copernicus.  I had him point to the one that he liked best and here it is (trust me, he is pointing to Copernicus):

And here he is pointing to the "scary monkey:"

So there you have it.  Oh, and he also told me that Coperncus (because he is 3 and cannot enunciate) is going to eat all the white stuff on his (Copernicus') face.  Nice.  Next up will be pics of random weird-ass things I found at the antique store while looking for Gina.

Scenes from a Gas Station (and chicken salad recipe for one of my peeps)

Somewhere in South Carolina

Gas Pump:  Welcome to "Gas is Cheaper in South Carolina."  Please insert card and remove quickly.

Me:  [Inserts card and removes quickly.]

Pump:  Is that credit or debit?

Me:  Credit.

Pump:  Please enter zip code.

Me:  [Enters zip code.]

Pump:  "Hmph, what are you doin' comin' all the way down here for cheap gas and you have an American Idol winner livin' down the street from you?"

Me:  "She lives in the swanky neighborhood.  I am more 'swanky-adjacent.'"

Pump:  "Hmmm, sure.  Do you want regular, plus or premium?"

Me:  [Pushes regular button.]

Pump:  "Seriously?  With a car that big?"

Me:  "Yes, gas is expensive anyway and I got a kid in preschool, we just had to get a new roof, our two big dogs are on this expensive senior food for their joints . ."

Pump:  "Whatever lady."  *cough*cheapskate*cough*  "Well, start pumping."

Me:  [Starts pumping.]

Pump:  [Turns off.]  "You mean you came all the way down here to get five gallons of gas?  Talk about a waste. Should have known when I saw that big ol' SUV come rollin' up."

Me:  "As a matter of fact I am on my way to make a donation to one of your local charities and decided to stop on the way so I wasted no gas at all thank you very much.  Why are you so angry?"
Pump:  "Me?  Angry?  Why listen you . . . sorry, I'm just tired what with all you Charlotte people coming down here and all.  And the fumes.  They just get to me."

Me:  "Ok.  No problem."

Pump:  "Do you want a car wash today?"

Me:  [pushes "no" button.]

Pump:  "Are you sure?  Cuz from where I'm standing it looks like your car is about 2 1/2 hours away from your kid writing 'Wash Me' on the back window."

Me:  "Not gonna happen.  He can't write.  Or spell for that matter."

Pump:  "Sheesh, sorry lady."
Me:  "Not a big deal, he's 3."

Pump: "Oh.  Well, do you want a receipt?"

Me:  [pushes "no" button.]

Pump:  "I see.  So now you are trying to save the environment even though you drive that 18-wheeler all over town."

Me:  "No, its just that I end up throwing the receipts away anyway and  . . . why I am explaining myself to you?"

And you know how at the end you usually see a nice "Thank you for shopping at blah-de-blah.  Have a nice day."?  Well, I could have sworn I saw "Get lost.  Oh, and you might want to think about laying off the cupcakes."

Chicken Salad:

1 can chicken or pick apart a rotisserie chicken
start with 1/2 cup may then add more if you like
1 granny smith apple cut up really small (in a mini-chopper if you have one)
1/2 cup pecans chopped or mini-chopper-ed
salt and pepper to taste

Mix it up and shove it in yo mouth.

The chicken salad from the boy's birthday party:

4 cups chicken (I think I used two big cans (heh) or one rotisserie)
call for 3 celery ribs, but I think you know my feelings on celery
1 cup craisins
1/2 cup chopped toasted pecans
1 1/2 cups mayo (maybe start with 1 cup and see how you feel)
1/3 cup honey
salt and pepper to taste

Mix chicken, celery (if you must), craisins and pecans.
In separate bowl, mix mayo, honey, salt and pepper.  Pour mayo mixture over chicken mixture and mixture them.

Yeah we're gonna let it, slide

So I finally washed my hair today.  It is not a gross as it sounds although it was probably not that far off.  There are certain things that some people let slide when kids come into the picture.  If you work outside the home then chances are you shower and wash your hair daily or close to it.  When you stay at home with the kids, do your own errand running, house cleaning and grass cutting (sometimes but probably not enough for your homeowners association) your appearance can sometimes lean toward a mix of lazy college student and corpse.  And hats become your friend.  Now I would like to note that I had showered in the last week and a half, and no I will not say how many times, but the washing of the hair just did not happen.  Until today.  My hair was a commercial break away from forming its own dreadlocks and as my hair dresser in Charleston used to say, "White people should never, ever have dreadlocks."  She also was the first to inform me that when using any styling products to put it in your hand and then start at the bottom of your hair and not at the front or else you will have a huge ick spot front and center and will end up looking like me six hours ago.  She is vair wise.  I have those big pump shampoo and conditioner bottles and usually use about four or five pumps for my hair as it is on the long-ish side.  This time I decided to go for seven.  Turns out I needed nine.  My hair felt like Pig Pen and kept drinking the shampoo like a college student who just learned how to do keg stands or discovered the yummy-ness of Midori and pineapple.

Other things that slide, and I know it has been said many times, housework.  The only room in the house that the kids are not allowed to go in has dust about 3 feet high.  And it is probably a good idea to NOT turn on the ceiling fan unless you have some sort of breath mask.  And goggles.  Our house is brick so there are lots of spider webs hanging around but Halloween is just around the corner so no rush there.  Also, my many, many projects that are all about 1/6 of the way done but have stayed at that status for an embarrassingly long time.  There are others but I need to keep some stuff off the record.

Joe Francis has a protege in South Charlotte

So I got flashed by a 3 year old boy today.  It would not be so bad except he did not flash himself.  He flashed me.  And by flashed me I mean walked over and pulled up my shirt.  Luckily he is about as tall as my dog's food bag so the shirt only exposed my lily-white-I-have-had-two-kids-and-am-nowhere-near-close-to-be-mistaken-for-Pippa-Middleton stomach, but still.  His mom was all "Oh, sorry.  He does that all the time."  But I translated it to "Yeah, well, I'm not really sorry, I just do not feel like controlling him.  Maybe I am sorry.  For your belts. But whatever."  Did I mention we were in the middle of Target?  On a Saturday afternoon?  Good stuff.  I wanted to run over to the kitchen tools section, grab a wooden spoon, smack his little hand and pull him by the ear and put him in time-out right there in the school supplies section (which, by the way, is the busiest section in Target on a Saturday afternoon) but since parents get all worked up over that kind of stuff I decided the best course of action was to kneel down to his level and whisper into his little 3 year old ear that he was adopted because his real parents could not be bothered by his shenanigans.  I did not really do that but I soooooo wanted to.  Mainly because we have a little history with this kid who will either grow up to take over the Girls Gone Wild franchise or get arrested at Mardi Gras.

This is the same kid that my nowhere-near-perfect-but-cute-as-a-box-of-golden-retriever-puppies boy complained about at his little gym class.  Until this time my boy had only "I don't like . . " to certain foods (lunch meats, mustard, most vegetables, tequila*), his little sister and my choice of attire.  Then one day at the kiddo gym, the flasher kid was in his group and kept running up and pushing him and some of the other kids over, nudging them aside to get the good spot on the mat (the corner, in case you did not know) and just generally being a pain in everyone's ass.  Did the mom step up?  No.  Now she was about six/seven months pregnant but still, get your kid under control or take him out.  Of the class.  Not Soprano style. Although . . .  My boy was making some "What-the-frick-is-your-problem?" faces at the kid but did not say anything until we got in the car.  At which point I got "I don't like that blue kid." (Flasher was wearing a blue shirt.  And everyone is the color of their shirt which is cute except for the time when we were in Borders and a guy left his work on the cafe table to take a phone call outside and my boy was all "Where's that black guy going?" and had not yet  mastered his indoor volume control.)  So we talked about the blue kid and I decided it was time to teach a lesson in telling other people "don't push/hit/kick me, I don't like it" or to get Mommy/Daddy/etc or a teacher and tell them what is going on.  Or, as I taught him later that day, to say "Check yourself before you wreck yourself!" which in 2 1/2 year speak came as "Check self wreck self Blue Kid!"  I hope they teach urban colloquialisms in preschool.  Maybe I can get that in for his 4's program next year.  

*Note to CPS:  I did not really let him try tequila.  Though in an effort to be forthcoming, he did sneak a sip of my iced coffee the other day.  

If the shoe fits, or doesn't . . . .

So one of the myriad of bizarre things that can happen when one births a child is that one's feet can grow up to a 1/2 size.  I can personally say that this le fact.  After two kids I have gifted shoes to close friends and donated some to charity.  The hardest ones to see leave were a pair Dansko mules (although my mom has them and I get to see her wear them, so there's that) and my glorious Frye boots that I gave to a friend but was so sad to see them go that I told her under no circumstances is she to wear them in my presence.  For a while I was mad because my shoe collection was depleted by half but now there is another problem that needs to be addressed.

Should your feet grow, for whatever reason, know that you can always get new shoes.  The one thing that takes a very, very, very, very long time to deal with is working with your "new" feet.  My feet were the same size from approximately high school until I was 37.  That is, what, over 20 years of working with the same size feet.  Now, add a few centimeters and trouble starts.  One day you are walking around not harming anyone, minding your own business then next you are jamming your toes on furniture and door jams, shoving your toenails up through your foot and into your knee and trying not to curse like an 80's stand-up comic because your three year old is always around and always, always listening.  Also, it suddenly becomes a pain in the ass to put on pants! And undies!  If I had a nickle for every time my frickin' toe got caught on/in pants . . . Also, my poor, poor doggies.  I have two quite large older dogs that lie around a lot and I am constantly walking over or around them.  Now with these extra centimeters I have accidentally nudged them, slipped on the golden's tail and tripped over them enough to look into some supplemental health insurance.  This has been going on for three years now and I am still having issues.  Oh, and for the love of all that is Holy, do not let me be near anything breakable or hot liquids if I have on socks THEN put on pants.  Those extra 2 millimeters are enough for me to need a spotter or a neck brace.  

Digging for gold . . .

So, the three year old's new thing is exploring his nostrils, extracting anything interesting he may find then commencing with a show-and-tell session.  We call them "bogies" because I love Harry Potter, think "troll bogies" are disgustingly hilarious and just plain prefer "bogies" to "boogers."  The other day he picked one, on the smallish size, at Target then proceeded to give the cart a nice bogie massage.  So those anti-bacterial wipes at the entrance?  Get one.  Actually, get four.  You know what, just buy your own cart.

Last night while watching "Olivia" he turns to me and says "Mommy, I have a bogie."
Me:  "Ok, let me get a tissue."
Him:  "I like this bogie."
Me:  "Um, ok, well here is a tissue."
Him:  "I like to eat the bogies."

Luckily I swooped in with the tissue and got the bogie and probably the top layer of skin off his index finger before he could eat it.  Tonight after doing extensive research (about 5 minutes) I found this article.  I knew there had to be some sort of "-xis," "-mania," or "-agy" associated with this ick but had NO idea it was this scientific.  Oh, and yes, I did start to throw up a little bit in my mouth while reading the article.  I bet the same people who buy into this and are over the age of 4 (at least I hope that is when most kids stop this mining) are the same people who drink their urine and use the natural grease from their hair as a moisturizer.

Today it was:  "Mommy, I have a bogie."
Me:  "Ok, let me get a tissue."  (note, every bogie conversation starts this way, every time.  Unless there are absolutely no tissues around and I have to do the repulsive mommy move of wiping it . . . never mind, I am not admitting to that.)
Him:  "I want to put it back."
Me:  "You want to put the bogie back in your nose."
Him:  "Yes."
Me:  "Why?"
Him:  "He has friends in there."
Me:  "Really?"
Him:  "Yes, they are resting."

So now we know that bogies have friends, can be active or sleeping, and act as an amuse bouche for the toddler/preschool set.

From the mouths and fists of babes . . . .

First off, I finished "It Looked Better On The Model" by Laurie Notaro last night and I maintain that it is one frickin' funny book.  So, there's that.  

From the Department of You-Play-You-Pay, there is this.  You know how when you have a three-year-old and all and they decide they do not want to nap but you know that if they don't then around 3pm until say 8:30pm it is like living with some sort of PTSD-paranoid-schizophrenic-borderline-personality-disorder/multiple-personality-disorder patient who whines and makes the demands of all the terrorists in the world seem reasonable and you are afraid you cannot afford the hospital bills for the severe whiplash you are sure to have after going thru all the mood swings?  Well, that was today.  So at 4:15 I decided to carry the child upstairs for some cooling off.  He ends up falling asleep (and so do I, score!) and we wake up at 6:30pm. Not good.  When he does get a nap, he usually will not go to bed until 9:30 or 10:00 and I am prepared for that.  I usually lay in there with him until he goes to sleep which I feel will end up with him in therapy one day but for now it gets him to sleep without a fit and I figure he will have his own health insurance, hopefully, to cover his mental health bills.  So, after listening to him talk about which upstairs rooms are over which downstairs rooms he says:

"Mommy, did you pick out this house?"

Me:  "Yes, Daddy and I picked it out."

Him:  "Why did you pick out this house?"

Me:  "Well, we liked it."

Him:   . . . . . . 

Him:  "Mommy, where is the house store?"

Awww. . . . ok.  That one was mainly for the fam who reads this.  Then, just to prove he has a bit of my over-active imagination after about 10 minutes of silence I get:

"Mommy, I hear something underneath my ear."

Me:  "You do?"

Him:  "I do."

Me:  "What does it sound like?"
Him:  "Well, it is either an elephant, a snake or . . . an elephant."

Me:  "Uh.  Well, let me listen."

Him:  "Do you hear it?"
Me:  "I hear something."

Him:  "An elephant, a snake or an elephant? . . . . Or, the fan."

Me:  "Yes, I do believe it is the fan." 

Crikey, if he starts saying our a/c fan sounds like a snake I am going to need a prescription for some sleep medicine that will not mess with my dreams.  Thanks kid.

5 minutes later:

Me, whispering oh so softly that it would probably not even be picked up on government spy listening devices:  "Are you awake?"

Him:  "Yes!"

Me:  "Oh, sorry hon, I did not mean to disturb you."

Him, in a voice I believe I have heard on Dateline before:  "I like disturbing YOU, Mommy."

Crap.

5 minutes later, I hear the gentle toddler snores that means I can finally come downstairs and do some house stuff (i.e. mess around on the computer, eat a snack, etc) but before that I got a full-body toddler sleep jerk and got punched in the lip.  At least I hope he was asleep.  

Crazy hair, a funny read and homemade granola bars

So earlier today I was thinking about how sometimes when I am running downstairs and pulling my hair back into a bun/ponytail combo while trying to answer the phone, verbally break up a fight between the boy and the girl and not trip over toys or dogs, I end up with a fabulous up-do without trying or a mirror. But when I need to look all put together (usually just about once a month, well, twice this month what with a family wedding/rehearsal dinner combo) and try to make a fabulous up-do I end up looking like a crazy person who has just removed her finger from an electrical outlet and then got all Tippi Hedron-ed by mockingbirds because they are meanest birds ever. So I tried to find a hairstyle on-line that would reflect this but could not. However I did find this:

Really? That has go to be a piece, right? Even so, she has a pig hair on her head. And if it is her real hair, can you imagine what it took to comb that bitch out? So if you want to see some disturbing hairstyles, Google "crazy hairstyles" and look at the images. Seriously. Do it. I'll wait. . . . . . . Well, maybe not, I have to finish an overdue library book. Some of the images are, for me, stomach churning. Also, if my kids end up coming home with ANY of these on their heads and it is not Halloween, I shall have them wait on the porch and re-greet them with clippers and a picture of a bald Britney Spears as a future deterrent.

So this is the overdue library book that I am reading but I am confident in its hilarity to go ahead and post it before I finish. I have laughed out loud many, many times while reading these essays. Laurie has written several books and I look forward to reading all of them. I did read "The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club" a very long time ago and sadly do not remember any of it so I will have to read it again. (Actually, now that I think about it I believe it was "The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing.") If you do not have time to read the whole book, and I know many people do not, buy it / borrow it and read the chapter "You must be my lucky star." You will not be sorry. I really think that even though I have already read it (almost) I am putting it on my Christmas wish list so that I can read this chapter whenever I need to immediately laugh.

So up next is to finish "Not tonight, Honey: Wait 'Til I'm a Size Six" by Susan Reinhardt then to finish "The Winter Rose" by Jennifer Donnelly so that I can read "The Wild Rose" by Jennifer Donnelly.

Also, I made homemade Granola Triangles tonight. I know, I know they sell granola bars at the store. A lot of them. In many flavors. However, I felt the need to make something yummy that the kids would eat and that I would not be tempted to eat even though I froze the left-overs. Yes, I am talking to you yummy delicious oatmeal-chocolate-chip cookies. Also, I have been eating the Fiber One granola bars and the boy always wants me to share and the last thing he needs is more fiber so I decided to make some he can have. So here is the recipe:

Granola Triangles (picture to be posted tomorrow)

2 1/2 cups Rice Krispies (or similar cereal)

2 cups uncooked quick-cooking oats

1/2 cup raisins

Mix together in a large-ish bowl and set aside.

1/2 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1/2 cup light corn syrup

Bring sugar and syrup to a boil over medium high heat while stirring constantly-ish. I took some breaks. After it is nice and boiled, removed from heat and stir in:

1/2 cup creamy or crunchy peanut butter and

1 tsp vanilla

Pour this mixture over cereal/oat/raisin mixture and stir until everything is nice and coated with yummy peanut butter goodness. Let cool for 10 minutes.

Then stir in:

1/2 cup chocolate chips. I used milk chocolate but I am sure any kind will work well and I plan to use dark chocolate next time.

Grease or Pam spray a 13x9 pan and pour granola mixture into it. Then grease or spray your hands and smush it all down. Then cut into 12 squares and then cut those squares into triangles. They can be stored in an air-tight container for up to a week, if they last that long. Next time I think I will use honey instead of syrup, maybe throw in some almonds, dried fruit, whatever looks good. Oh, and I just saw Nutella in my tags and am so going to make Nutella granola bars next time! Oh! Oh! With toasted coconut and almonds. Mmmmm.....

A day at the spa. . . and some books

Well, not really. But I did use my Groupon for an eyebrow threading. For those of you who have not heard of this (and this was me before I saw the Groupon) they take some thin string and somehow doing a middle-school-Cat's-Cradle-string-trick rip the hair off your face. Yes, it hurts. Some areas LOTS more than others. She pointed out some other areas that needed some clean-up and, like I have said to some, made it seem like my face was the love child of Robin Williams and Sasquatch. When all was said and done, and the redness went away, my face is as smooth as a baby's bottom. Well, almost as smooth. As smooth as a baby's bottom without a diaper rash. And yes, I am currently well versed in the smoothness of the bottom area. Can't wait to be done with that one. Anyway, it is an interesting thing to try and I do look a bit like I had a facial today.

As it has been a while since I have posted, it has also been a long while since I shared my reading experiences. I was on a young adult kick for a while as my brain was really tired and here is what I liked:

Withering Tights by Louise Rennison. I will read a phone book if Louise writes one. She is hilarious and I want to drink pints with her one day. For those familiar with her Georgia Nicholson books, Georgia's cousin Tallulah goes off to spend the summer at a performing arts college. There is the usual teen boy craziness, concerns about ones appearance and level of talent but mostly boys.

Gimme a Call - Sarah Mylnowski. A senior in high school drops her phone in a water fountain and after fishing it out the only person she can call is her freshman self. Lots of changing of the past/future and predictable but funny.

Ten Things We Did - Sarah Mylnowski. Yes, I really like this author. A junior high girl's family decides to move to the mid-west in the middle of the school year and instead of joining them, she convinces her dad to let her stay with a friend. However, she decides to not share with her dad that the friend's mom is on an extended out of town work thing. Almost every high school kid's dream.

First Grave on the Right - Darynda Jones. This is what would happen if Stephanie Plum met The Ghost Whisperer and got a bit raunchy. Well, not raunchy between them but if the two characters, ah, forget it. There is a Ranger type character in here but the dude has a supernatural quality to him. No vampires in this one. I'm sort of over vampires. The main character can see and talk to the departed and needs to convince them to cross over.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children - Ransom Riggs. I read mixed reviews about this one but trusted my gut. I quite enjoyed this book. Some reviewers said there was not enough action and something about writing a first book to build up to a little something at the end so there will be a sequel, blah, blah, blah. While there may not have a been a ton of action, I really liked the writing, the main character, the mystery of it all and a nice twist towards the end. Some of the photos freaked me out but as has been said before, I am a chicken. C.S.I. previews can cause me to have trouble falling asleep. Here is the author's website: http://www.ransomriggs.com/

There are more, but I will do those later.

The Not-So-Young and the Dim

If my life was a soap opera that would be the title.

So have you ever been so tired that after you laid down on the floor to read your kid a book you did not get up and then realized that you ended up taking a seven minute power nap and you now have carpet marks on your face and drool all over your kid's Blue's Clues book so that Magenta ends up looking like a former Russian head of state? No? Oh, me either then.

And a little heads up for all you microwave chefs out there: if you buy Trader Joe's yummy BBQ pork, when the directions read to poke holes in the package they mean "take the little clear package out of the store packaging and poke holes in the clear one and not the store packaging you nimrod." Clearly I am one of those people who need directions like "Do not use hair dryer in the shower" and "Do Not Eat Toner." At least until I start getting more sleep.

Timeline for whatever plague I seem to have

8:00pm: Um, I seem to have a little tickle in my throat. Will take throat drop and all will be good.

10:30pm: All these songs on the radio are making my head hurt. No radio.

11:00pm: Body seems a little off, maybe I am just tired.

11:12pm: Body has just informed me that it has been trampled by a herd of elephants on crack.

11:35pm: Seem to have been transported to the Bering Sea in February whilst wearing only a sundress and flip flops. Need to find a blanket.

12:07am: Elephants are back and have just recreated the "Maniac" dance sequence from "Flashdance" on my back. They may or may not have been wearing the slouchy sweatshirt but they absolutely were doing the running in place bit. A lot.

12:31am: Crazy loud thunderstorm. Came downstairs to comfort two freaked out doggies.

1:00am: Teleporter/Transporter thing is broken. My feet, knees and arms are in the Bering Sea whilst the rest of me has been transported to anywhere on the equator and using baby oil for sunscreen.

1:15am: Thunderstorm finally over can crawl back into bed.

2:00am: Just got back from partying with those crackhead elephants in a mosh pit. I used to like elephants. Sad.

2:27am: The boy came in and wanted to get in bed with me. Had to muster up the strength to help him. After all we have been thru tonight the stupid elephants could not even stick around to help him up. Bastards.

3:15am: Now all of me has been transported to the equator. Or I guess it could just be remembering this past week's weather.

Repeat most of these events throughout the night. Good times.

Jen Lancaster Rocks!

One of the many funny, smart and entertaining people I read is Jen Lancaster. Buy all of her books starting with either "Bitter is the New Black" or "If You Were Here." Actually just read the first one you come across and you will look for the others. If you do not like her sense of humor, chances are you will not like mine. However, she is more comfortable using colorful language and while I use such language in daily conversation with friends (sometimes hourly depending on my mood), I am not quite to the point where I want my mother to read it. From me. Without context. (Hi Mom!) I mean, c'mon people, my Momz provides free child-care help not to mention is more than willing to fall off the healthy wagon and join me in a lovely coffee beverage, waffle or baked good. Cannot go rockin' that boat. No sir.


Anyway, on one of my weekly browsings of blogs, I came across a contest on Jen Lancaster's website http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/ to tell a story in six words and win an advanced copy of her new novel. I had been reading the Bryant and May books and came across a line wherein Bryant describes a co-worker as having "all the charm of a rectal probe." I should not have to tell you that is hilarious and I plan to use in describing many, many people (not you, of course.) My first six word story was going to be "Single octagenarian with charm of colonoscopy." Or something along those lines. I thought it would be funny for a cantankerous pensioner to be on the dating scene but I could not get the words to work. Then I thought "what is some funny stuff I have said or heard from my two year old?" Lots of material there. The one that stood out though was "Luke, quit playing with the breast pump!" And unless you are attached to one, breast pumps are funny. After talking to my Mom about that, she said "What are those things that people use to smoke?" Um, Mom? That would be a bong. (She did grow up in the 1960's and by grow up I'm talking late teens/twenties. Apparently never went around Haight-Ashbury though.) So my submission for Jen Lancaster's contest was "Dude! Breast pump! Not a bong!" So, here is the link for contest where you can read others submissions: http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2011/03/not-a-toilet-and-a-giveaway-but-mostly-not-a-toilet.html I am not sure exactly how many people entered, but I thought around 1200. Anyway, she and her hubby picked my entry!!!! (and someone else's as tie, but whatever) http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2011/04/winner-or-rather-winners.html So I received via Fed Ex (because Jen does not mess around with the postal service, or she has some sort of business account with Fed Ex) an autographed copy of her new novel! She probably should have used a P.O. Box as a return address because now I know where she lives and all and am totally going there on my next vacation. Just kidding. Maybe. I will send a very nice, albeit sort of late, thank you card. And maybe some legal documents to see if she would be honorary Godmother to my two oh-so-loveable dogs. Picture of book and autograph to follow. If you like John Hughes (and I know some of you do), tales of home buying / repair, and just a really good belly chuckle, read "If You Were Here." Maybe with a glass of wine and the soundtrack to "Sixteen Candles" (or I guess just some music from it because apparently you cannot buy the damn thing without a line of credit.)

Blog Fail

So my blog is all "Oh, it's you again is it? Think you can just waltz on in and pick up where we left off, eh? Whatever." If my blog could roll its eyes, it would.

I've read lots and lots since February. The entire Bryant and May series to date by Christopher Fowler. A couple of elderly English detectives solving random crimes. Peculiar crimes if you will. Here is a link to the website: http://www.peculiarcrimesunit.com/ I will note that the first book was a bit hard for me to read because it flips back and forth from 1941 to the present. But maybe that is because I was, and still am, severely sleep-deprived. But since I am all learned and stuff, I figured it out.

I have also read several of the "Pretty Little Liars" books because I need something completely and totally unrelated to my real life as possible and something a little different than murder mysteries. Wait. Murder mysteries WITHOUT teenage angst and references to designer shoes, handbags and makeup. So here's the link to that: http://www.prettylittleliars.com/ And yes, I love the show.

Another good one is "It's All Relative" by Wade Rouse. I have read two of his other books and really enjoyed them. Laugh out loud funny! Although they can get a bit teary. http://www.waderouse.com/content/index.asp

"Shadow Pass" by Sam Eastland is the second in the Inspector Pekkala series. The stories are set in Russia during and after the Russian Revolution. I enjoy the mystery but also the flashbacks to Pekkala's time with Nicholas and Alexandra. http://www.inspectorpekkala.com/

For a very, very, very funny mystery I recommend "Heads You Lose" by Lisa Lutz. She wrote this book with an ex-boyfriend and inspired me to write a relay book with a friend. http://lisalutz.com/ You should also read all of her other books. Anyone who will drop Dr. Who into their story is someone I will support.

On Jen Lancaster's recommendation I read "Skipping a Beat" by Sarah Pekkanen. Thru the first 20 or so pages I did not think I was going to like this book. I thought it was too "girlie" for me. Too much like a Lifetime movie. And maybe it was. But just like those movies, I got sucked in and did not stop reading until I finished it while crying like a three-year old whose Betsy Wetsy just got its head torn off by the bully with a bad haircut. However, unlike a Lifetime movie, I felt I could recommend this without any shame whatsoever. http://www.sarahpekkanen.com/the-books/skipping-a-beat After finishing this at 2am, I needed something that I knew would only make me cry because I was laughing so hard and needed a Poise pad. (Funny side note: while in CVS the other day, my two year old picked up a package of Poise pads, holds them out to me and says "Mommy need diapers?" Not yet, son. Not yet.) The book I chose needs its own special post. Tomorrow.

Once upon time, long, long ago, I promised to post this:

This is one of my favorite dip recipes and I would like to take this time to point out that I am sacrificing a nap to get off my to-do list. Ok,

Garlic Shrimp and Crab Dip:

1 8-oz package of cream cheese (you can use the reduced fat and it is great, I don't know about the fat free)
1 clove garlic, crushed, or equal amount powdered garlic or crushed from the jar
3/4 cup mayonnaise
1 heaping tablespoon yellow mustard
1/4 cup dry white wine
2 tsp. powdered sugar
1 tsp. seasoning salt
1 tsp. grated onion (I use onion powder)
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 7-0z can crab meat (I use one of the cans at the seafood section, I think backfin)
2 7-oz cans tiny shrimp (I use about one pound of cooked shrimp from the seafood folks, chopped up)

Heat all ingredients, except last 2, in the top of a double boiler until blended and smooth. Drain crab and shrimp and rinse under cold water (you can freshen with lemon juice if you like). Fold into cream cheese mixture. Serve hot with crackers.

It is also really good cold and can be made the day before and refrigerated.

Happy Birthday to my Groundhog Hubby

Actually that sounds like I married a marmot which I did not, although they both like to sleep for long periods of time. Hubby's birthday is today and this is what happened last night:

Todd: "You know you do not have to make me a birthday cake as we are having cake at the birthday party next weekend at my parents."

Me: "Oh, you are GETTING a cake."

Todd: "So is this cake for you or for me?"

Good question Todd. I didn't marry a dummy. The two year old is going to help me make the cake. Should be interesting.

You try to be nice to somebody

I try to be nice to people on a regular basis. Granted sometimes I am muttering under my breath while rolling my eyes or spewing obscenities in my mind, but on the outside I could be a runner-up for Miss Congeniality. So I decided I wanted to buy the coffee for the person behind me in the drive-thru. I have wanted to do this for a while but kept forgetting about it. A week or so ago I decided the time was right but I did not want to end up buying for the nice old lady behind me only to find out she was on a coffee run for half of Bank of America. I thought it might be awkward to ask the people at the window "So, I want to be nice and buy the coffee for the person behind me, but I am not made out of money and am raising up a couple of expensive kids so I'll do it only if they get coffee and maybe a muffin. How much is a muffin?" Then I was all "You know, I could just leave my window down and eavesdrop on the person ordering behind me then I would know what they are getting! I am a genius!"

The day of generosity arrives (last Friday). I actually did not feel like being nice but figured if that is the case, then I really should be nice. I am in the ridiculously long line but cannot go in because I have the toddler and baby in the baby carrier and there is no freakin' way I can tote them both in and carry a hot cup of joe. The getting-free-coffee car pulls up behind me. Great. A young-ish all styled up dude in a suit in a BMW. Like he needs a free cup of coffee. Then I thought, "well, maybe his girlfriend (or boyfriend?) broke up with him or he found out he was rejected to be the next Bachelor, you never know." After accepting this is the give-ee (is that right?), dude pulled around and went inside. Next up a woman in a Jetta who is putting make-up on. Now I am all "Well, she is probably late for work, although if she really is late she does not need to be in this long line and really should shimmy her butt inside, but whatever, this is it." I pull up, order, pull up more and leave the window down so I can hear her order. She starts off "What is in your blah, blah breakfast-item? Oh, well, hmmm....., I guess I'll have a blueberry thing." Now I am all "Ok, I really don't want to buy for a high-maintenance person, but I guess I will." Now the cars in front of me pull up so I have to as well. She is still ordering. The next car leaves so I have to pull up to the window to pay. She is still ordering. I pay for my order. She is still ordering. I was all prepared to be nice but as far as I know, she is still at the drive-thru.

Today I go back and try again. I get in line and the car behind me pulls up. Woman, chatting on a cell phone, SUV. Ok, I'll deal with that. I place my order then do the pull up, window down, eavesdropping thing. At this point I could have sworn she gave me a "Who you lookin' at" glare as I am partially leaning out the window to listen to her order. She ends up with some peppermint mocha concoction (props to her, although I think it was decaf so loss of points there). To sum up, and now it seems at bit anti-climatic, I buy her coffee and breakfast sandwich. Turns out if you tell the window people that you want to buy the order for the person behind you, they tell you exactly what the other person ordered.

**Follow up to my post on William Rast jeans at Target** They are currently on sale for $24.99. Sadly they did not have my size.

Pasta, Whiners, Vampires and Jesus

What more could you want from a post? Finally. I am back to doing this. I was afraid it would be another in a long line of half-ass projects I start but never complete. Not yet, at least. I am not ready to add it to my Charleston houses on the Battery cross-stitch, my knitting (bought some stuff, never learned), scrapbooking (have made very slow progress), sewing (not totally my fault, I gave back a borrowed sewing machine, thanks Mom, and have yet to learn on my new one so I guess my fault, damn), and that is all I can think of right now. Give me an hour in my "office" and I'll bet I can come up with more. This time I have good friends giving a heaping dose of "Get off your ass!" so here we are.

Lots to catch up on, but first a simple, yummy recipe for my friend who gave me the "Get off your ass and blog!" nudge today. Mexican Lasagna. This actually came from the best next-door neighbor ever.

1 jar spaghetti sauce (although if you like it saucy, and you know who you are, use 1 1/2 jars)

1 lb ground beef (or you could use ground turkey or ground chicken)

1 can whole kernel corn, drained

4 1/2 tsp chili powder

6 (8 1/2 inch) flour tortillas or the no-need to cook lasagna noodles in a box

2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

1 can black beans

1 can pinto beans (optional, or you totally could just use different beans and leave out the meat for a veggie version. On that note, if you are a huge veggie fan, you could add a can of diced tomatoes or any other veg that strikes your fancy.)

1 can of refried beans (if you use these, then I would recommend adding them as an additional layer between the noodles and sauce mixture.)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Set aside 1 cup of pasta sauce. Brown meat, then drain. Stir in remaining pasta sauce, corn, chili powder and beans.

Spread 1/2 cup of pasta sauce in the bottom of a 13x9 pan. Put down the tortilla shells or pasta noodles, but not too harsh. Heh. Layer half the sauce/meat/veg mixture then 1/3 of the cheese. More noodles, then the rest of the sauce/meat/veg mixture, another layer of cheese, another of noodles, the remaining 1/2 cup of sauce (or more if you have it). Bake for 30 minutes then top with remaining cheese and bake another 10 minutes or until sauce is bubbly and cheese is melted.

Enjoy!

Ok, since I last posted I have read this:

So I was warned that this was not a feel good book. In fact those who recommended it to me said that pretty much everyone in the book is miserable but it was good so I should read it anyway. SPOILER! Stop reading RIGHT NOW if you do not want to know stuff that happens even though I am not going into too much detail. This book broke both of my rules on books - so something bad happens to a kid and a dog. I begrudgingly admit that both were sort of central to the characters, but c'mon. The best part of this book was the unexpected motivation it gave me to get off my butt and do some stuff. Almost all of the characters in the book were whiny little babies about their situation but no one ever did anything about it. Hate your job? Start looking for another one! Even if it takes a while, at least you can say you are doing something about it! So instead of sitting around bitching and moaning about stuff I want to change, I have made small changes here and there and feel pretty good about it. There is only so much one can do with a toddler and a baby, so small changes are good.

and this:

Ok, I love Meg Cabot. Her adult fiction and young adult fiction. But this one? I am wondering if she had some sort of you-have-to-write-a-vampire-novel clause in her contract. The main character was just meh. And she was a crap dog owner. A couple of the supporting characters were good but overall not her best work. I will keep reading her as long as she does not do a sequel to this one.

and am currently re-reading this:

This is by far one of the funniest books I have ever read. Some may be all "oh no! That is sacrilegious!" and to them I say "Have you read it?" To which most would reply "No." Then I would say "Well, my Momz was raised Baptist and is still very much the Christian and she read it and enjoyed it, so there!" And I would probably stick my tongue out Nellie Olson style. The only bad part about this book, and it is not even bad at all, is that it makes me want to put down the other books I have in line to be read and read his other books. And put aside everything I need to do and become a famous author so I can make lots of people laugh, but I will wait since I have Bill Bryson's "At Home" and am doing my one classic novel a month with "Jane Eyre." So I probably should be off to do that. Maybe something funny will happen to Jane? At least it will in my head.

My kingdom for a good nights sleep!

I have not forgotten about the blog or have been lazy. My entire house (saving the doggies) has had the plague and I have not had the energy to write. I have a lot of stuff swimming around in my Nyquil addled brain but no time to get it out. Off to give the morning meds. The boy makes me feel a bit Nurse Ratched when I try to give him his meds. Good times.

Can I still call it the "12th Day of Christmas Cookies" when it is way past Christmas?

Wow, did I ever drop the ball. I guess I should make it a goal to post one a week then that way if I do more I can be all "Hey! Check me out! I'm posting tons!" Even though it is past Christmas I am going to give ya'll one last goody recipe. This one I made and gave out to family and friends (and kept a bit as it is tasty). Alton Brown's White Trash.

http://http//www.food.com/recipe/alton-browns-white-trash-226723

I used multi-grain Cheerios, 1/2 milk and 1/2 dark chocolate M&Ms, only lightly salted peanuts instead of mixed nuts and added one half of a bag of peanut butter chips to the white chocolate chips. The best part is that after making this, the boy likes to eat the leftover cereal. I also made "Christmas Crack" which is just the saltine/toffee/chocolate recipe and I am wondering if it is called "Christmas Crack" because it is addicting or because it has so much sugar that after you eat some you feel like running 12 miles then cleaning your house with a toothbrush? I'll let you know.

Ok, now let me see if I can come up with a healthy dinner. . . . . . . . (que the Jeopardy theme please) . . . . . . . How about . . . . . Ok, I'll just share what I had tonight. Not really healthy but not terrible either: frozen (then baked) tilapia, leftover Trader Joe's mac and cheese that I mixed up with little green peas so the boy would eat some veg, and a Greek yogurt with honey and sliced toasted almonds. Yikes, that sounds nasty after typing it out. But true.

I finished Christopher Moore's "The Stupidest Angel" for my pre-Christmas read. Ridiculous, funny and I completely forgot about the whole zombie bit but was able to soldier ahead and finish the book without any nightmares (I have a thing about zombies. Don't like 'em. Not even a little bit.) But these zombies were morons. Not that that stopped them from killing people and eating brains, but I was able to give them idiotic faces whilst they were doing so.

Tomorrow is Christmas Part IV so I will be up making the semi-annual dressing and a new mac and cheese recipe.